Sabbath and Shalom

Streams of mercy never ceasing call for songs of loudest praise...Oh to Grace how great a debtor daily i'm constrained to be, let thy goodness like a fetter bind my wandering heart to thee, grown to wander Lord i feel it, grown to leave the God i Love, here's my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

A perfectly fresh winter day in my Caribbean home, a place that makes me thank every cool breeze that blows through my window – light streaming through this blessing of an apartment. Yet my room is cluttered with proof that I've been on the road for the past two weeks, half unpacked suitcase, weeks of dirty laundry and homeless books scattered everywhere. The many things that scream my name and demand my attention before our Superbowl party tonight, are all blissfully put aside today. I am learning to delight in the Sabbath.

Many have commented on my work habits here in the DR – most well intentioned and concerned that I will burn out; but I love what I do.

In my first few weeks in the DR weekends were a terrible thing. I had come here to work and learn and experience and the week was a gloriously challenging beast where I was stretched and tested and relied on, but the weekends were deadly quiet with time to meditate on my geographic location and that silence frightened me. Missing people and places is painful and I made up my mind it was better to keep busy, to keep pushing those sad thoughts further away by constantly filling up my plate with work, tasks - responsibilities. I wanted my fulfillment to come from something close, something I could control – not relationships that were distant and painful at times because I couldn't commune as I'd like, coffee shops, farmer's markets, Shelter island dates, etc.

Somewhere around fall of last year all of that extra work I'd put on myself, the pressure, the drive combined with my daily devotions of "My Utmost for his Highest" got to me – and I threw in the towel. I was tired of feeling like I never measured up. Tired of having Oswald point out everyday where I fell short. I was TRYING didn't that count for anything? So I tossed him under my ambitious pile of other books to read – wagging my finger at him – that I wouldn't return until I could feel better about myself after reading him.

I came back to the DR in January with the daunting task of being the most experienced person in my department, yet feeling so lost and overwhelmed with the tasks at hand. I was frustrated that managers were in short supply and the assumption that I was the answer to that structural abyss for the time being. Then on January 12^th the earthquake that devastated Port-au-Prince, brought a whole new dimension to my job.

What I would have given for someone else to take charge, someone with more experience, wisdom, skills.

And that brings us to this morning. This morning I woke up to no alarm, this is the first true Sabbath I have had in a very long time. Usually my "sabbaths" are tainted with boredom and a mild depression because I feel useless, worthless – I'm not being productive.

I resonate so deeply with this quote from Rob Bell's life:

"I realized that my life was all about keeping the adrenaline buzz going and that I was only really happy when I was going all the time. When I stopped to spend a day to remember that I am loved just because I exist, I found out how much of my efforts were about something I already have." (p.117)

"Jesus wants to heal our souls, wants to give us the shalom of God. And so we have to stop. We have to slow down. We have to sit still and stare out the window and let the engine come to an idle. We have to listen to what our inner voice is saying." (p.118)

So here I am, stopped or at leasing rolling to one. Today God has illuminated to me my unhealthy addiction to chaos. I crave being needed in a hectic work environment until I realize that I have overcommitted and that I am over my head. I have spun myself with so much work I realize that there is little of value and substance inside me. I have been afraid of introspection for some time with good reason – there's not much to examine.

I praise God for this glorious breeze and this messy room that I might just leave until tomorrow, I thank him for no agendas and commitments today – for this breath of fresh air amidst a crazy schedule. I love you Lord.

"I'm learning that very few people actually live from their heart. Very few live connected with their soul...They are so different; they're coming from such a different place that their voices inevitably get heard above the others. They are pursuing wholeness and shalom, and it's contagious. They inspire me to keep going. (p.120)

[note: Bell describes Shalom as "the presence of the goodness of God. It's the presence of wholeness, completeness."]